The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Cha-Cha-Cheesecake
Summary: Parodies, stupid and impossible situations, and OCCs beyond belief, this is the SOS Brigade in situations that could be near impossible, or at least, not what the original author intended. Rated T for DIRT. Discontinued, PROBABLY.
1. Attempts to tell Kyon Yuki is an alien

**The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya**

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I'm suffering terrible writers' block for my serious stories XD**

**So I'm filling the time with parodies!!!**

**This is my first parody-based thingy (besides my You Got Egg On My Cushion, which **_**someone**_** flamed) (Thank you very much) so please, constructive critisism!!!**

**Enjoy it, please!!!!**

**~Crystal x**

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**YUKI'S ATTEMPTS TO TELL KYON SHE IS AN ALIEN**

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**Attempt 1: Yuki's appeal**

"We will go to my house."

She led Kyon to her apartment with a chilling silence, wondering if he would take kindly to what she was about to tell him.

When they arrived, she unlocked the door, and with a sneaky grin she hid from his view, said,

"Don't worry, no one is here."

She heard him choke and felt satisfied that she had, for the first time ever, played a prank.

She prepared tea and sat down.

"So what's this all about, Nagato?" Kyon asked impatiently, wondering why the small girl had brought him to her house. She smiled on the inside, hoping that she wouldn't scare him off.

"It is about Haruhi Suzumiya."

Speed it up already.

"And myself." He stood up.

"Oh no, another crazy chick, this is the third time this week it's happened! Later."

And with that he walked off, leaving Nagato trembling, alone in her apartment.

Maybe she shouldn't have played the prank after all.

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**Attempt 2: She tries again...**

"Now die!" She ran towards him, flying as she neared his body, giggling evily. Which was when-

BOOM. (I think.)

"Gasp!"

"GASP!!"

There was a small figure, holding a knife with her bare hand - HER BLOOMING BARE HAND MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_O - Yuki Nagato.

"Er, Nagato, doesn't that hurt?" Kyon asked.

"No."

"Well it should," Kyon pointed out. "You're holding a kitchen knife with your bare hand."

"Well it doesn't. Because if you'd have listened to me you would've discovered I was an alien and would know by now that I'm here to save you by changing the flow of the data space!" She shot back, steaming.

"Hah! He listened to meeee!!" Ryouko Asakura crowed, laughing as blood spurted out of Nagato's hand. Nagato began whispering voodoo, and the knife disappeared.

--LATER ON IN THIS EPIC SCENE--

Kyon held Yuki Nagato as she lay on the floor.

"You shouldn't have done that, you know, because you're all tired now and I wouldn't have to waste my energy holding you."

"None of this would've happened...if you hadn't misjudged me..." She wheezed.

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**Attempt 3: The Cave Cricket incident**

Itsuki Koizumi launched a fuzzy orange ball of energy at the cricket. It tried to stomp on him, so he jumped back, thinking up amazing american swear words in his head only he would be able to understand. Yuki Nagato stepped forward, sighing.

"Please, Itsuki Koizumi, that was beyond stupid and completely useless," she told him. "Now let me step through, the one who can actually do something." Koizumi looked hurt. Mikuru Asahina was too busy screaming to take notice. Kyon was scornful.

"Nagato, what do you actually intend on doing? You're not an ESPer, you know." She sighed.

"I'M AN ALIEN!!!! HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE UNTIL YOU REALISE THIS!?" Just then the cave cricket launched itself at her. A large shield of electricity formed round her and it fell back.

"Woah, Koizumi, are you doing that?" Kyon asked him, amazed.

SCREW YOU, KYON. I GIVE UP.


	2. Itsuki and Kyon's Tale of Woes

**The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya**

**A/N: Heya!!!! Sorry the last chapter was short. I'll try and make this one just a bit longer. 3**

**I'll do my best this time!!!**

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**Koizumi and his tale of woes**

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**His confession**

"Koizumi...is there something you want to tell me?" Kyon asked, watching Itsuki Koizumi from the table. He grinned akwardly.

--OUTSIDE--

Kyon sat down next to Koizumi, feeling rather suspicious of the guys fetish for sitting with his legs together, or crossed, rather, in a very feminine fashion. He gave one of his 'Smiles are free' grins and cleared his throat.

"Yes, well, you've probably figured it out. I'm gay."

Kyon stared at him as though he were retarded and looked away.

"I was talking about the fact that you were an ESPer," he said, moving away.

"Oh, yeah, that too," Koizumi added, smiling calmly, as though it were completely natural.

Kyon edged away as Koizumi moved closer.

His screams were heard miles away as Itsuki Koizumi lunged in for the kill.

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**The Car Journey**

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Kyon walked towards his house, wondering why Haruhi Suzumiya had recently brought up the topic that his existance was as important as a common house fly's, and that she felt that it was much better to be a stupid, perverted freak than to blend in and be, oh, I don't know, NORMAL.

Just then, a familiar toffee-haired boy walked up to him, brandishing an evil and twisted smile, one so dark it made Kyon feel like he was falling into a pit of oblivion, yet blinded at the same time by his raidient white bleached teeth. He felt his eyes fizzle up and shudder.

"Koizumi, are you stalking me?! Seriously, I thought that after the police gave you a restraining order earlier you were forbidden to see me." Koizumi ignored this.

"It's a lovely evening, isn't it? You want to go somewhere?"

"Oh god, you're not asking me out on a date, are you? Ugh, I've already been dragged to the bowling alley with Kunikida during middle school, so I'm not prepared to go out again alone with a boy."

"I was planning to show you something spectacular," Koizumi went on, ignoring him once again. Kyon gagged.

"I think before the police were called out I saw quite enough of you, you shameless trout!"

"I mean my ESP," Koizumi explained.

"...Oh." Kyon calmed down a bit. Then he asked, "What about your ESP?"

"OK, I can see into your mind. And that was just an expression by the way! I know you think that my so-called esper powers and the whole, Haruhi-Suzumiya-Is-God theory are a load of bull. But it's all true."

"How can you see into my mind?"

"I said it was an expression. My powers didn't come with that advantage."

"What, can you buy it off of EBay?" Kyon said scornfully. The toffee-haired esper-boy laughed and flicked a strand of hair back like he was a Junior High school girl.

"Well, I fight monsters. And I want you to film me." Kyon looked at him like he was sick.

"What the HELL?! YOU WANT ME TO FILM YOU FIGHTING MONSTERS?! NO WAY! YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO THE POLICE OFFICE!" Koizumi grabbed his hand and pulled him into the car.

"Arakawa, go go go! I have the victim ready!" Koizumi yelled to the grey-haired driver in the front seat with the squinty eyes and the wrinkles like hell.

"You're seriously not paying me enough for this, Itsuki," the old man grumbled, in a voice so hard to make out no one could understand him anyway.

"Mr Arakawa, sir, you must do something about those nasel problems, no one can hear what you're saying," Itsuki told him, smiling away, giving Kyon a noogie while handcuffing him to the headrest.

"Let go of me, you animals!!" Kyon yelled, thrashing desperately to try and knock Koizumi unconcious so that he could figure out a way of escape.

"No can do, you're our victim. We're going to go and battle monsters and you better film us, otherwise you know what happened earlier? It'll happen again."

Kyon's eyes widened in shock and fear, recieving flashbacks of that afternoon when Koizumi had...erm, showed his true self in a different, naughtier light.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!!" Kyon screamed. "I'LL...I'LL SUE YOU!!!"

"Go ahead and try. We've already hired the best lawyer in town for the case."

"You don't mean..." Koizumi nodded.

"Yes. Tsuruya." Then he smiled. "I'm not one for sexy girls, but she has money. So really, I wouldn't mind if she were a girl. But if she had a younger brother...hehe...heheheheee..." Koizumi began to chuckle darkly. Kyon's blood ran cold. This was beginning to freak him out. All of this because he refused to film them battling animated monsters?

"Anyway, where are my manners? We have pepsi in the car, would you like some? Or are you more of a 'Diet' person?"

"Diet tastes nicer, duh," Kyon said, exasperated. Then he remembered why he was here. "Hey! Stop distracting me! I'm being kidnapped, you don't offer the kidnapee PEPSI!!"

"Really, why not?" Koizumi asked.

"It's STUPID! And... you're not doing it right!"

"Really? And how should I do it?" Koizumi asked, blank.

"You should be... oh, I dunno... beating me with sticks and tickling the back of my neck where I can't reach and poking me and pulling my hair and chanting sutra in my ears and whispering voodoo and stuff, not offering me pepsi!!"

"Really? How about Pepsi MAX?"

"NOT THE POINT!"

"Oh, well, OK then," Koizumi said, shrugging.

"Now pull over Arakawa, I think there's a dark forest nearby..."

"You people are crazy, we're on the moterway," Arakawa mumbled, but, of course, he wasn't heard.

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	3. Ryouko Asakura and the MURDER O0

**Thank you for reviewing everyone! And now for a request by SuperStarUltra (I accept requests so yeah, please PM me or review if you want me to write anything pacific) about our favourite killing machine!!! Ryouko Asakura!!! :)**

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**Ryouko Asakura and the MURDER O.0**

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"Now die!" The blunette crashed towards Kyon, her hair flying out behind her, kitchen knife raised and glinting in the artificial glare of the data space.

Kyon winced. Please be a dream, please be a dream, please let me wake up and see her as my ordinary annoying goody-goody-twoshoes class rep, Kyon prayed as he squinted, the shine off the blade blinding him.

Then...

"OWWW!!!! THAT HURT!!! I'M BLEEDING!!! EEK!!! OH MY F-ING GOD, I'M GONNA DIE!!! AHHH! BLOOD!!!!" Kyon fell to the ground, screaming. A tiny pinprick of blood formed in his side, where her blade had poked him without even cutting that deep. She blinked.

Where's Nagato-san? She thought, staring at the boy clutching his side and yelling, swearing.

"Where's Nagato-san? She has a first-aid kit somewhere," Ryouko remembered, having seen it in her dreams when she visited Yuki Nagato...and knocked on the door...and took off her clothes...and then knocked the purple-haired alien out by hitting her over the head with the butt of a rifle gun she happened to be carrying...and then pranced around the flat, singing the english national anthem in poorly spoken english, chanting evil things...

but anyway, she knew it was there. Inuition.

"SHE'S GONE TO THE LIBRARY! AHH! OH MY GOD, I'M LOSING SO MUCH BLOOD! ARGHHHHH!!!! I'M ROLLING IN MY OWN BLOOD!!!! I'M GONNA DIEEEEE!!!"

"Why would she? She and I had it scheduled for this tuesday," The alien pointed out, checking her phone. "Yes, it says: _Attempt to kill Kyon. At four fifteen, Nagato-san charges in and destroys me._ right here. There's no mistake. Hmm...I wonder why..."

"MAYBE SHE'S AVOIDING YOU!!! OH MY GOD!!! BLOOD!!! WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Stop whining! Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself? You selfish trout! I'm going through harder times than you! I'm meant to be dead right now! It's going to cause a stupid paradox like in that episode of Doctor Who, you know, when Rose's dad's supposed to die but she saves him and he survives, and it causes that time paradox! I'm doomed!! And it's all your fault!"

"WELL EXCUSE MEEEE!!! I'M BLADDY DYING HERE!!!! AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS A STUPID GODAMN PARADOX!!! YOU ARE DATA! YOU CAN BE RECREATED! BUT I'M HUUUUMAN!!! I CAN'T EVER BE REPLACED!!!"

"Well, I guess we all know who's fault this is then. Nagato-san's."

Suddenly a trail of blood squirted from Kyon's side.

"AHHHH!!! IT WENT IN MY EYEEEEE!!!" Asakura shrieked, rubbing it furiously.

"WELL I CAN'T HELP IT! I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!"

"THEN DIE ALREADY!!!"

"Arrr..." Kyon went limp. Ryouko's eyes widened. She felt his pulse. No...

"OH MY GOD! I'VE KILLED KYON, LEAVING A MASSIVE PLOTHOLE IN THE SERIES! HOW WILL THE SERIES GO ON WITHOUT THE ANNOYING CHARACTER EVERY GIRL LOVES?! EVEN ME IF NAGARU TANIGAWA WISHES SO!!!! NOW IT HAS ALL ENDED!! DAMN YOU YUKI!!!!!! DAMN YOU TO HEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!"

--Far away--

"Hmm..." Mused Yuki. "That was an interesting book about suicidal people. I think I might watch the anime. **(A/N: Higurashi!! O.0) **Say... speaking of suicidal people... I have a feeling I've forgotton something..."

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**Well, there you have it. Not much, I know, but more oneshots in future I will provide! Promise! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I love you all!!! This is so much fun to make, so I'm happy that it's just as fun to read!**

**Keep reviewing! Keep me smiling!! ^^**


	4. Too Much Food

**Thank you to SuperStarUltra for your review! It means alot to me! ^^**

**This chapter isn't in any way planned out, so it may be rough and lacking detail, like every other chapter of this I've written. (Though maybe it's good not to plan...maybe that makes it funnier...hmm...)**

**But anyway, enjoy whatever the hell I'm planning to write! And don't forget to review! Do it for the SOS Brigade, OK? -.^ {Please support the fanfic!}**

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**Too much food**

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Kyon entered the clubroom. He sat. Mikuru Asahina served him some tea. He drank the tea. It was delicious. He looked around the room. Then his eyes fell upon something shocking. Yuki Nagato was eating some rice. That wasn't the shocking thing though.

"Errr, Nagato, don't you think you've had enough rice?" He asked. She looked up.

"I've only just picked it up." She continued to eat, giving him a funny look.

"Well, it's just that...Well..." He averted his gaze. Koizumi walked into the room.

"Hello, I've got to leave for wor-woahhh!" The only reason the last part came was due to the fact that Kyon had pushed him up against the wall outside.

"Woah, woah woah! K-Kyon?! If this is about the car incident, I'm sorry! We all make mistakes, right?!" Kyon slapped him around the face.

"We all know that isn't true, you freakin' idiot! I was about to ask you about a favour you could give in return - to repay me for those moments of pleasure you had before the police were called out."

"Oh, OK. What is it?" He asked, surprised.

"I need you to tell Nagato something for me." He whispered in the ESPer's ear. Koizumi's eyes widened.

"Well, I'm a bit short of cash right now, so..."

"Fine, I'll give you 250 yen. Happy now?"

"That's a bit small," Replied Koizumi, disappointed. Kyon shot a death-glare at him.

"Do you want to repay me or not?" Kyon growled. Koizumi nodded hastily, afraid of the consequences.

--The next day--

"Hughhhh!" Koizumi was dragged out into the corridor. Kyon slammed him into the wall.

"Did you do it?" Kyon wanted to know.

"Well..." Kyon's eyes widened angrily.

"You didn't!? You IDIOT!!!" He slapped the ESPer round the face.

"OK, OK!! I'll do it tomorrow!!" Itsuki whimpered. Kyon nodded in annoyance.

"Fine."

--Tomorrow--

"I'll do it tomorrow!"

--Yet again, tomorrow--

"Have you freaking done it already!?" Kyon glared.

"U-Uhm...I'll...do it now..." Koizumi croaked, his windpipe (In his throat, you dirty-minded trouts) being crushed by Kyon's clenched fist. Kyon released him half-heartedly.

They entered the clubroom. Nagato was eating a happy meal. Koizumi cleared his throat.

"Erm, Nagato-san?" She looked up and nodded.

"What is it?" She asked.

"Well... have you... gained a bit of weight lately?" The purple-haired alien blinked and cocked her head.

"I don't know."

--Later--

CRAAAAASH!!!!!!! BOOM KAPLAK!!! SQUIP! BREEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

The clubroom was showered in plaster flakes.

Kyon shuddered. Haruhi rushed in, eyes wide.

"GWAAAK!! YUKI BROKE THE CEILING!!!!"

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**OK...Yuki gaining weight...that'll never happen, right? Because she's freaking YUKI! Let's hope that it doesn't happen... mind you... she does eat an awful lot...**

**I got the inspiration for this when I came across creepy fanart of Yuki. SHE LOOKED FATTER THAN PETER FROM FAMILY GUY! It scared the hell out of me. Then I remembered that she always seemed to eat loads, so this idea popped into my head. Plus I was watching King of Queens and Doug was paying Hollie to tell Carrie her bun made her look like a librarian XD**

**Don't hate me, Yuki-fans out there, I'm one too and it nearly killed me doing that!!! XD**

**Review, pretty pretty please! Do it for Yuki.**


	5. Untitled

**I must be sad...I have a notebook full of ideas for fanfics I'm never going to write...What the hell? Uhhh...I'm going write down another idea... enjoy this in the meantime. Thank you everyone for your reviews!**

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**Untitled**

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Kyon's POV

I was watching the red glowing esper babble on about how we had no way of getting back, the Organization had no idea of what to do, blah blah blah...

"So, we have no way of returning to the dreary world we were originally accustomed to? And we will be the only people in this new world?"

"You're the new Adam and Eve. Go ahead, pro-create, increase the population..."

"Ohhhh, you'd like to be the Eve of our new so-called relationship, wouldn't you?"

"Uhm...hehehe...maybe..."

"I'll punch you for that." The esper stopped giggling to himself and grew serious again.

"I'm only kidding. Now, the two girls have a message. From me, mine is: 'If I was Haruhi Suzumiya I would grasp this oppotunity with open arms.' And now for their's.

"From Mikuru Asahina: 'I'm sorry, it's all my fault.'" Yeah yeah, big-boobs, just get on with it.

"And Yuki Nagato says: Turn on the computer." Heartless trout...

"THAT'S ALL? YOU SICK MEANIES! HOW DARE YOU!!!! I'M STUCK, IN A PARALLEL WORLD, WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS TURN ON THE GODAMN COMPUTER!? SCREW YOU!"

"*Chuckle and a flick of the hair* Well, I hope we can be... more than friends... in this new world... should I be... Re-encarenated..."

"NEVER." *Once again, chuckle*.

"Oh well... I guess... If I should be... encarenated a girl... That'll do... I'll manage..."

"Die." *ONCE AGAIN, GODAMN CHUCKLE*.

The ESPer then vanished. I stood there, feeling annoyed. Then I remembered before I went I should probably send out a goodbye PM over MySpace, so I logged myself in.

DAMMIT, WHY WON'T IT LOG ME IN?! All that was there was a black screen, and a little white line thing in the corner. What use would that be?

Suddenly, a few words appeared on the screen.

**Yuki_N. Can you see this?**

I went to type, but when I was five centremetres away from making a change in history...

"NYONRO~!!! THIS IS MINE NOW!!!" Tsuruya-san burst in and tore it from the computer, trailing wires. I stood up.

"Tsuruya, how'd you get here?" I asked the fanged girl, confused.

"I is travelled throughs the time paradox!!" Tsuruya announced proudly.

"Wait, did you say Time Paradox?" I asked her, puzzled.

**--Far Away--**

"Kyon! Kyon! Look, a freaking TIME PARADOX! How had I not seen this coming? It's in our freaking school!" Haruhi yelled.

**--Back To The Present--**

**Yuki_N. I SAID, CAN YOU SEE THIS?**

I stared at the silent alien's words, wondering how I could tell her now that I could see it, but the keyboard had been stolen by a smoked-cheese addict.

"Tsuruya-san, why are you stealing the keyboard?" I asked her slowly, pondering what possible reason she could have for ripping a keyboard from a slow, rusty windows xp computer when if she'd stopped by the computer society's room she'd be greeted with over sixteen better models than this.

"Because! I need it to find the amulet and free the chipperdons from the smoked cheesia devil! It's important that the saviour of chippertown has a keyboard fetish so I've been searching far and wide for every keyboard I can! I've even recruited the computer society's clubroom for my new base, nyonro~!"

There goes my idea.

"Tsuruya-san, you're not making sense. What is chippertown? Who are the chipperdons and the smoked cheesia devil? What do you mean, time paradox, keyboard fetish?"

"Hehehehe...all I'm saying is that I'll never let you have this keyboard! Nyonrahahahahaaaaaa!"

With that, she dashed out of the room.

**Yuki_N. Are you stupid? Can you please answer? It's getting a bit boring now. Just answer me already!**

I can't, Nagato, please understand that! You don't have powers, you're just an annoying, self-preserved artificial alien created for evil, so I don't see why you're stealing my fame in changing history.


	6. Untitled Part 2 The Final Conclusion

**When I saw that ****BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse** and superstarultra wanted a sequel to Untitled, I couldn't quite believe it. I never thought that it was that funny to begin with, so to make a sequel would be kinda odd. But I'll try my best.

Thank you, everyone, for your reviews!!! I'm super happy! Please, check out my other stories too. As much serious and cheesy stuff there is, there's pretty god damn funny stuff too! Give me a chance, hey?

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Untitled - Part 2 - The Final Conclusion

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Kyon stared at the computer screen. Then, after hearing Tsuruya cackling down the corridor, I knew without the keyboard it'd be no use keeping in contact with her. So I pulled the cable out and the screen faded to black.

I then chose this oppotunity to chase after my once normal, fanged sempai.

"Nooooooooooo!" Trilled Tsuruya. "You'll nevers catch meeeeeeeeeeees!!"

"Tsuruya-san, please come back!!" Kyon panted. "I'm not...that fast..."

"Noooooooooooo!!!! I have to save my nation!!"  
"_JAPAN_ IS YOUR NATION!!" Kyon roared.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!!" Tsuruya yelled.

"THAT'S WHAT I KNOW!!!" SCREAMED KYON. "GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!"

"NOOO!"

Tsuruya suddenly disappeared, and Kyon had no way of knowing which classroom, corridor or staircase she had ran down. He stopped, panting. Suddenly, Haruhi grabbed his arm and the corridor was filled with a blue light.

"Kyon! Kyon! Look, it's all I've been looking for! Something's really come!"

"Haruhi, we've gotta get out of here," Kyon told her, staring at the girl with the flashy hairband. She shook her head.

"No way! Kyon, I've waited my whole life for this! I can't give in to all of this!"

Kyon, knowing this would get them no where, pushed her from the corridor out into the night sky. Just in time too. The large blue monster crushed the part of the building they had just been standing in.

Suddenly, Kyon had this huge desire to do something he'd never imagined doing before, but as they were about to die, he felt it was the right thing to do.

"Haruhi," he said, holding her shoulders. "Your ponytail turns me on." Just as she was about to say something which could be considered important, he pushed her into a kiss which could be considered enjoyable, while others would call it a sin. And...

"..." Nothing?! Was that it?! Seriously?!

"...KYONNNNN!!!!" SLAP.

Kyon fell to the ground, groaning.

"Ouch..."

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**Poor Kyon. I guess if nothing happened, the world would just...End. So yeah, it's pretty important that the kiss worked in the original series. And that Tsuruya didn't steal the keyboard. If she did, that would definately leave us Haruhi-fans with no hope.**


	7. Brigade Birthdays Kyon's story Part 1

**Thank you, everyone, for your reviews! It means a lot to me! This is my most reviewed fanfiction (other than this I'm not too popular on ) so I'm happy that it's still going ahead! If this weren't very reviewed I would've stopped updating already.**

**Enjoy this latest chapter!**

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**The SOS Brigade's Birthday Celebrations Part 1 - Kyon's story**

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Today was Kyon's birthday. Having turned seventeen, he considered himself a man at last. His mother saw this.

So while he was meeting the others to search the town for pointless things they weren't going to find, his mother cornered his sister in her room and asked whether they should throw him a surprise birthday party or not.

"Can we invite all of his friends?" Kyon's sister had asked, sucking a lollipop.

"Good thinking, my daughter, good thinking! Now, what flavour of birthday cake do you think he'd like?"

"Well, I like chocolate..." his sister said.

"Yes! I can see it now! Chocolate it is! Now, can you post invitations into the letterboxes of all of his friends? First off, though, who might his friends be?" Kyon's mother cried, excitedly.

"There's Kunikida-san..."

"We already know Kunikida-kun, that sweet young boy, now come on, my daughter, think!"

"Well, there's Haruhi-chan, and Yuki, and Mikuru-chan, and Koizumi-kun, and Taniguchi-san and Tsuruya-chan and..."

"They all seem nice, all polite, and...WAIT!!! HOLD IT, MY DAUGHTER!!!"

Kyon's younger sister stopped sorting out her coloured pencils and looked at her mother.

"What is it, mother?" she asked innocently.

"Did you say... Taniguchi?!" Her mother screamed. Kyon's sister nodded. Her mother stamped on her daughter's pencil.

"You stupid girl! My daughter, you are a buffoon! Fancy letting our darling boy mix with that...that... IDIOT! Taniguchi shouldn't be considered human!"

"But _why_, Mother?" Kyon's sister had cried, "Why must you hate Taniguchi-san so?"

"Because!" Her mother had cried. "Don't you remember... Eight years ago?"

"I was only three then!" His sister argued. Her mother sighed.

"Well, I guess I'll have to tell you myself..."

_Kyon was outside in his soccer uniform, holding a football carefully tucked under his arm._

_He had just set off to soccer practice, looking all smart and happy because he had just brought a new football that was shiny and clean and made him look much more attractive than with the one he had gotten free with a coupon on the back of a serial box three years before._

_Suddenly, a sneaky giggle was heard from behind him._

_He turned around, innocently. A boy with a greyish hair-horn was laughing in his face. Then Kyon saw why. Where his ball was, lay a shrivelled rubber shape._

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" He screamed._

_"Ha, ha, ha, you freaking loser," the boy laughed, waggling his finger at Kyon, who's face was crumpling up. The boy held up a pin._

_So Kyon, in a fit of anger, did the one thing he could think of to get back at the boy._

_He ate the pin._

_A few minutes later, he was rushed to hostpital._

"Really? That's horrible!" Exclaimed Kyon's sister. How could she have ever thought kindly of that loser?

"Exactly," her mother agreed. "I like everyone else though," she added.

"We musten't let him come!" His sister cried. "He would ruin Kyon-kun's birthday again!"

"That's right, my daughter. Now, have you got the invitations ready?" Kyon's sister held up her invitations she had drawn.

"Oh yeah, big momma," she said. "I'll take these suckers down!"

And with that, she ran out of the door and towards the apartments where Nagato lived.

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**To be continued in part two!!!!!**

**His mother seems to describe Taniguchi as evil, but what do you think?**


	8. Brigade Birthdays Kyon's story Part 2

**Thank you for your reviews, everybody! I know that I haven't updated for a while, but I haven't forgotten, honest!**

**Now we're going to see a whole different side of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya characters that we've never seen before. Warning:**

**Plenty of implied yaoi**

**Mentions of One-night-stands, sharp objects and licking pudding off of people**

**Hitmen**

**Poison pins**

**Chocolate cake**

**Kyon's snobby-*ss mom**

**Evil Taniguchi**

**And last but not least, major OOC from each member (especially Yuki O.0)**

**Enjoy this latest chapter!**

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**The SOS Brigade's Birthday Celebrations Part 2 - Kyon's story**

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"Mom, I'm home," Kyon began, entering the room. Then he blinked.

"SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

He looked around, in awe. The room was decorated with pictures of him in his chubby years, sitting on a bike, playing with his once inflated ball (someone had written "THE VICTIM" in pink lipstick at the bottom), sitting in the tin bath as a baby. He felt his cheeks flooding with red as he realised all of his friends were here as well. Then he zoned back into reality.

"-UUUUUUUURPRISE!!!!" Everyone yelled (all with the exception of Yuki, who sat there with a slightly amused look on her face).

"Y-You guys saw the pictures?" he yelped, his face now turning white.

"No silly, what you're meant to say is-"

"Oh my god, you threw me a surprise party! How nice!" Koizumi finished.

"What the hell? Koizumi, I would never say that. What I would actually say is, "Why the hell did you guys throw me a surprise party?!" "

His mother smothered him with affectionate kisses.

"Oh, my darling boy is a man now!" she gushed. He pushed her away, moaning.

"Mooooooooooom..." he groaned.

"Kyon-kun, I've got the cake," Mikuru smiled shyly, taking out a large tin. Inside sat a giant chocolate cake saying "Happy Birthday Delinquent" on it.

"Okay what the hell is this?" he asked.

"It says "Happy Birthday Deli"-"

"I already read it," Kyon interrupted. "What I'm trying to say is, what the hell is it supposed to mean?"

"It means you're not a good brigade member," Haruhi said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kyon scowled.

"You made chocolate cake," he pointed out. "What posessed you to do that? You know chocolate cake is my least favourite type of cake." From the corner, Kyon's sister gulped while her mother clenched her fist and spat in her daughter's face.

"How dare you insult this! Me, Mikuru, Kunikida AND Yuki made this together!"

"Um... wouldn't it be much less hassle to just buy it from the shop?"

"Kyon, just pretend to be grateful before I apply slices of the cake down your pants one by one with a butter knife," Itsuki grinned, revealing his hungry white teeth.

"Which I shall provide!" Said Ryouko Asakura's ghost, before disappearing again.

"Before I ask what the heck that was supposed to mean, who planned this stupid party in the first place?" He eyed his mom as he asked this, and she looked away sheepishly.

"I don't know. I just got an invitation through my letter box," Mikuru said, taking out her invitation and offering it to Kyon. He snatched it from the time-traveller's hands and read it through.

"...I-Imouto..." he whispered, shaking with anger. "...You and mom planned this, didn't you?..."

"EEEEEEK!" Kyon's sister shrieked, hiding behind Yuki. "Please, Yuki, PLEASE PROTECT ME FROM MY CRAZY BORING BROTHER!"

"Never!" Yuki roared, feeling a sudden rush of OOC fill her veins with anger and making her blood boil. "Because I am also angry! I haven't been given a single line throughout this whole chapter so far, thus I am angry for yet another reason! LOOK AT THIS!" She shoved a piece of paper under Imouto's nose.

"...YUKI?! YOU LOST THE DEED TO YOUR APARTMENT?!" Imouto squealed. Yuki gulped, snatching the angry letter from the council out of the little eleven-year-old's grip.

"No, that was the wrong paper. Here's what I intended to give you." She passed her another sheet.

"See, while you thought you were delivering a harmless invitation to me, it got lost in the post!" Everyone gasped in horror.

"A-And, who got it?" Imouto said, fearing for her life. Yuki looked grave.

"I can't be certain, but last night I found a letter pinned to my front door. Intrigued, I opened it, and I think that someone is coming to gate-crash this innocent birthday party."

"Innocent?" Kyon whispered. "What innocent birthday party has whisky stocked on the party table next to the Walkers crisps?"

"Open the letter and read, dear child," Yuki said with a hint of wisdom rolling off of her tongue. Imouto opened the letter and gasped.

_Dear A- Loser,_

_I, The Unstoppable Taniguchi, am coming to gate-crash Kyon's birthday party seeing as I wasn't invited. And then I am going to make sure that the birthday football you all brought him will be popped by my trusty pin! I won't give him the satisfaction of having an inflated football!_

_- The Unstoppable Taniguchi =)_

_PS. Nice underwear ;P_

"GASP! HE SAW YOUR UNDERWEAR?!" Haruhi cried. "What a perv! I haven't even seen them yet!"

"And you're not going to see them," Yuki said, almost smugly. "Because he stole them, so I vowed never to wear underwear ever again!"

"Is that why you're wearing that long skirt?" Kunikida wondered.

"Guys, we've got a bigger problem on our hands!" Itsuki exclaimed, stabbing at parts of the letter with his index finger. "Taniguchi-chan is going to invade on this kids' party, and I haven't seen him since-"

"Wait a minute. Did you say Taniguchi-CHAN?" Cried Mikuru. Itsuki blushed and swallowed before making a shocking announcement to the small crowd of people.

"I-It was just a small fling, honestly!" He gabbled. "It's not like we're dating or anything!"

"A FLING?!" Screeched Kunikida, tomato-red with rage. "THAT BACK-STABBER! HE SAID I WAS THE ONLY ONE...!"

"OK, raise your hands here if you've had a fling with Taniguchi," Said Kyon, almost disturbed by the tense atmosphere in the room. Most hands here went up, all except Kyon's mother's and his own.

"What? You've all had flings?" He whispered, going pale. They nodded.

"The idiot did a one-night stand with me, Mikuru and Yuki all on the same night!" Haruhi 'fessed, blushing.

"What?! On the same night?! Don't tell me you all waited in a line," Kyon said, face-palming. The room was deadly silent.

"...You did?!" he shrieked. "Good lord..."

"So what are we supposed to do about this?" Yuki asked. "It's not like we can just shoot him, although an old collegue of mine could lend us a shotgun..."

"Nothing really, I guess we're going to have to wait for him to arrive." Kyon sighed. Then he opened his eyes and screamed. "D-DID YOU SAY SHOTGUN...?!"

"Hey, that's not a half-bad idea," Haruhi murmured, licking her lips.

"NO, we're not getting a shotgun!" Yelled Kyon.

"If it means that he'll stay away from Kyon-kun, then..."

"Even you, Asahina-san?!" Kyon whimpered. "Please don't do it, murder is hard to cover up...!"

"But Kyon, me you and Kunikida could molest his body once he was dead," Koizumi grinned.

"Koizumi, Kunikida, we're NOT going to molest a dead body!" Kyon spat. "It's disgusting enough molesting a man that's _alive_...Yet alone Taniguchi..."

"But dead's just cruel," Kunikida piped up. "After all, it's so much better when you can hear them moaning, right? I like my victims alive - hot, juicy and covered in sweat and pudding so I can lick it all off!"

"Eww, that's just gross," Haruhi butted in.

"Ignoring the pervy pudding-licker over there, how would it feel knowing that you killed someone?" Mikuru squeaked, her lip trembling. "I'd be fine if a pro killed him, but..."

"Wait, so you're okay with hiring a hitman but you won't let Kyon-kun's friends kill him?" Mumbled Imouto, eating a sausage on a stick.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'd rather his own mother killed Taniguchi, don't you think?" Kyon's mother brought up.

"Do you have any weapons though?" asked Yuki, chewing on some quiche thoughtfully. "And we'd have to set a tasteful trap as well... Oh my! This quiche _is _good! Did you make it?"

"Of course darling, thank you," Kyon's mother gushed. "I have the recipe in the kitchen."

"But mother, you made us throw the baseball bat, guns, lasers, seriously sharp knives, daggers, dangerous pills, and hard metal objects out of the house last year," Kyon pointed out. "So how will you kill him?"

"My baby son, I kept my emergancy killing-kit under my pillow in case of robbers, muggers, milkmen, suicidels, your father, pyschopathic maniacs and stray dogs entering our house, silly," Kyon's mother giggled, cupping his cheeks. He wriggled away from her.

"Mom, please! Why didn't you tell me? I'm eight-freaking-teen!" (Quote from Winx Club Abridged Series)

"B-But my darling son, I thought you couldn't handle the truth. I didn't want you to be upset!"

"I-I-I'm sorry, Kyon-kun!" Imouto sobbed. "Mommy told me to keep it a secret from you!"

"Wait, you knew?!" he shrieked. "I've been DECIEVED! I thought you cared about me! You told Imouto and not me?! She's only eleven years old! You're a monster!"

"That's it, we're calling a hitman," Itsuki said, picking up the phone. "It's crazy how you guys are going at eachother, and we have no time to hatch up a plan now! Let's just ask the best in town." He listened to the voicemail.

_"Hey there, losers! If you've dialled my number it means that you don't have the guts to stab someone a few times in the gullet with a sharp knife, so let me just say that you guys are all big sissies. Now we've cleared that up, you've reached my voicemail. I can't get to the phone right now because I'm obviously beating the hell out of people which you are too scared to kill yourself, so please leave a message after the tone."_

"Holy freaking hell that was longest voice-mail ever," Haruhi groaned. "Just leave them a message, Koizumi-kun... Koizumi-kun?" Itsuki had gone a deathly pale white.

"Th-That voice... Didn't it sound just like...?!"

"Yes, yes it did!" a voice said from above them. They all looked up, and to their dismay...

"Taniguchi!!!!!!" Kyon's mother gasped, hugging Kyon protectively. "You will never get my boy and his football!!"

"Cool, you guys got me a football?" Kyon exclaimed. "Thanks!"

"Hahahahahahahah!" Taniguchi laughed. "Not for long, Kyon! Your football will be popped before you even try to eat my poison needle!"

"Why are you stuck to the ceiling, dork?" Imouto questioned. Haruhi gasped in horror.

"Imouto! What you said is just about as bad as insulting Saten! Don't you realise? This guy's gonna kill us!!"

"Not before he is!" A squeaky but angry voice said from behind them.

"K-Kunikida...?" Kyon asked. Then he remembered their earlier conversation and face-palmed. "No way..."

"Kunikida-chan, h-hey!" Taniguchi grinned nervously. "Wh-what are doing with that chocolate cake?!"

"YOU HAD A FLING WITH KOIZUMI-KUN!!" Kunikida screeched. "A FLING!!!! UNFREAKINGFORGIVABLE!!!" And with that, he looked at Itsuki and nodded evilly.

Then they proceeded to apply chocolate cake slice by slice down his pants with the butter knife that Kunikida held in his pocket at all times.

**Please please review! I'm happy to have finally completed the chapter!**


	9. The SRC Brigade Part 1

**Thank you to Racke, too lazy to log in, superstarultra, aprilfool1993, Gladiator Beast MCK and haruhi rocks for your awesome reviews! You've made me a very happy fanficker.**

**Now, we've all heard of the SOS Brigade... We've already met the Anti-SOS Brigade... But we've never heard of the group of Social Rejects who were so tormented by their only-once-every-three-books appearance that they made their own club to avenge Nagaru Tanigawa once and for all...**

**THE S-R-C BRIGADE!!!**

**What does it mean, you say? Even I, the narrator, does not know. Our tale of woe will be the one to tell, and that is coming up right now.**

**The SRC Brigade**

"Good morning, world!" Taniguchi grinned. "Please allow a girl to finally see past my playboy mask and the beautiful soul within!"

"Good morning, sunshine!" Kunikida grinned. "Please allow Kyon to notice my hidden feelings for him!"

"Good morning, knify," Ryouko grinned. "Please let me murder at least six people today!"

"Good morning, beautiful," Emiri grinned. "Please let someone tell me how good I look and how hard I work on it every day!"

"Good morning, nyonro~" Tsuruya grinned. "Please let there be a big piece of smoked cheese downstairs with my name on it!"

These five people, of which had barely any connection whatsoever, were the Social Rejects of every class, the ones who had rocks thrown at them on the way to school, and milkshakes poured over their heads... on PURPOSE! These children all had completely different personalities and interests: Taniguchi was a sweet-yet-sensitive player, and his idol was clearly Nick Jonas. Kunikida was a shy boy who had deeply hidden feelings for his childhood friend, Kyon. Ryouko was a psychopathic maniac who got a thrill out of causing pain, conflict, war and destruction, and yet she was still loved by her many fan-girls and respected by her class; she _was _Class Representative, after all. Emiri was a quiet and yet rather vain narcissist, and would often be found during Student Council meetings staring at her reflection in a hand-mirror. And Tsuruya was a fanged rich-kid whom everyone avoided in fear of being sued. These kids felt so unloved, and so self-absorbed in their own melancholy. Most days they would all sit in a small corner of the school cafeteria by the trash cans, huddling closely to each other because no one else would dare be seen next to them.

But nothing aggravated them more than to see the most popular kids in the school, the SOS Brigade. Kyon was so cool he even had his own nickname. Mikuru has such a beautiful body that all the boys would continuously ask her out, despite the strict policy of the club that only exclusive people could join or be seen with them. Itsuki was the most attractive of the group, and his pure, angelic features that harmonised on his face brought tears to the eyes of many fan-girls. Yuki was the smart, silently cool member of the group, and her smoothly simple composure threw most of the members of the second most popular club in the school, the Computer Research Society. And Haruhi, the leader of the club, had such an eccentric and wild attitude she had THREE fan-clubs, all in favour of her existence. The SOS Brigade ruled the school, and even the teachers dared not disturb them during their cool, mysterious club meetings, where legend had it they exchanged cool vibes and interesting secrets about each other.

Each day the Social Rejects would loathe their popularity as the club threw carrot sticks at them from the solid gold table they sat at, adorned with the most luxurious foods. Not even the cooks knew the recipes of which they consumed, and most things about them remained mysteries for a long, long, long time.

At last, the Social Rejects had had enough. Annoyed, Ryouko called a meeting at the puny plastic picnic table they sat at.

"I'm so angry right now!" she confessed. "It seems so unfair that the SOS Brigade have so much, when we have so little. I mean, they have their own Facebook group! I mean, imagine! Imagine if we had a Facebook group that people would join! We'd be popular!"

"Well, I am already popular," Ryouko said casually, painting her nails with a fake smile resembling that of Ami's from Toradora. "You know, with being Class President and all."

"Whatevers," Tsuruya said distinctively, chewing a smoked cheese toastie, "I'm just happy I am relatively close to Mikuru Asahina, nyonro~"

"Oh please," Kunikida scoffed, "everyone knows she only notices your existence because you help her with her maths homework."

"Oh, and the fact that you have neon green hair and a fang protruding from your mouth."

"I begs your pardons!!" Tsuruya cried incredulously. "I happen to have eaten lunch with Mikuru Asahina TWICE this year!!"

"Yeah, but you were the one paying," Taniguchi offered humbly.

"I don't care what you thinks!" Tsuruya snapped. "I wish to refer to myself as a secondary character in this series!"

"And I prefer to think of myself as a retarded loser who clearly needs new friends," Ryouko replied.

"I prefer to think of myself as a princess one day," Emiri gushed, sparkles in her eyes as she peered into her hand-mirror.

"I prefer to think of myself as Kyon's boyfriend," Kunikida smiled dreamily, doodling the face of his childhood sweetheart onto their napkins.

"I prefer to think of myself as a Jonas Brother!" giggled Taniguchi.

"Hey there, retarded losers," Haruhi grinned, marching over with her head held high. "Guess who has been voted best club leader of the year – _again!!"_

"Would it be you, by any chance?" Ryouko said bitterly. Kunikida would've, but he was _far _to busy gazing into Kyon's hazel eyes. S-SO LUSH... Thought Kunikida to himself.

"Of _course _it was!" replied Haruhi, rolling her eyes. "Who else would it be, the Computer Club President?"

"Actually, he does have a very good reputation," Emiri drawled. "He's kinda attractive, if you know what I mean. Of course, I'm _way _prettier..."  
"Y-You know," Taniguchi said, shyly, "it wouldn't hurt to give other people a chance..."

"Ha! A chance?! CHANCES ARE FOR LOSERS! Like you! Isn't that right, John, um, I mean, Kyon?" Kyon stepped out from behind her.

"That's right, Oh Great One," he grinned. "We will remain the rulers of the school, and everyone in this room know it."

"That's also true," Mikuru smiled smugly, stepping out from behind Kyon. "I would tell you about how in the future everyone _still_ worships the ground we walk on, but that's Classified Information."

"Clearly the future hasn't invented a device to zip people's mouths shut yet," Ryouko said cockily.

"Don't you disrespect our club!" Roared Itsuki, appearing from behind Mikuru. "We happen to get above point average grades, we go to church every day and wash our hands before every meal. We don't brag about being perfect children, even though _I _outlived the standards of my seventeen brothers and three sisters."

"Your parents need a hobby," Emiri stated. Then she looked into the mirror and squealed, "Well hello gorgeous, who is _that_?"

"It's true he was the perfect child," Mr Keiichi added, stepping out from behind Itsuki. "When I visited him on the farm, I was most impressed by his hygiene, unlike the other kids who rolled around in mud and ate wheat that hadn't even been creamed!" Everyone gasped in horror.

"What a disgusting family," Yuki commented, appearing from behind Mr Keiichi, "You know, before time began, when I was no more than a mere microbe, my room-mates were the most beastly animals I had ever encountered. I mean, they only showered once a day! Unbelievable! I mean, if you don't wash every three hours you get all stinky and gross, it's unsightly!"

"Agreed," Kyon sighed, flicking his hair back. "Do you think Itsuki's hair just naturally shined that way?"

"Which it does," Itsuki whispered to them all. "Not that I'm bragging or anything," he added, beaming.

Kunikida, meanwhile, had been watching Kyon the whole time, and thought the sweat seeping through the under-arms of his blazer was totally attractive.

"Anyway, the point is, we're not going to give you a chance. And our decision is final – well, mine, anyway. Mr Keiichi, get us some milkshakes to squeeze over the loser gang. And make it snappy!"

"Snappy, or _a_ Snappy?"

"_A _Snappy, of course! What are you, an idiot?"  
"Right away Suzumiya! Five Snappys, coming right up!"

Moments later, he returned with five Snappy Croc's Choco-Choco-Chip milkshakes.

"Now stand still and feel the cold, sweet goodness of your Snappy Croc's Choco-Choco-Chip oozle down your necks," Haruhi grinned, slowly tipping the milkshake over Ryouko's head.

After ten minutes of squeezing, the laughing group of bullies moved on. Ryouko shook chocolate chips out of her hair, eyes ablaze.

"THAT'S IT!!!!!!!" She yelled. "I've had enough! We're going to start... a RIVAL CLUB!!!!!"

Everyone gasped.

"NO. WAY." Taniguchi looked purely gob-smacked.

"Yes way. We're going to make a club from us, the Social Rejects... ah! The Misfit Brigade! Or, for short, Social Reject Crusaders!!"

"That's not for short, numb-skull," Kunikida replied.

"Social Rejects Crusaders, nyonro~?" Tsuruya asked. "What'll we do with it?"  
"Whatever will we do with it?" Ryouko scoffed. "Whatever will we do with it _my bum_! We'll rival the SOS Brigade, of course!"  
"Never!!! B-But... They're _the_ SOS Brigade! We can't _rival_ against them!!"

"Yes we will. We must. We _must _do this for our pride."

"I agree," Emiri drawled, "but I have to dash now, I need to be at my facial appointment in ten minutes."

"OK, Social Reject Crusaders... UNITE!!!!"


	10. The SRC Brigade Part 2

**Hey! I bet you guys thought I was dead, right? Well, you are mistaken!**

**Yeah. I can see you now, superstarultra! You're throwing a party right now! You even made a banner celebrating my death! Well, too bad! I am living, baby!**

**Okay, jokes aside, I'm sorry for not continuing my fanfic for ages. Okay? School stuff got in the way, I got a boyfriend, then I had to deal with emotional trauma, and it's all very confusing. The point is, I'm back now.**

**This chapter will include:**

**Prank-calling Arakawa**

**Ryouko the psychopath**

**Talking to trees**

**An engaged Clefairy and Pikachu**

**Facial Mud**

**And a little bit of rivalry from the Anti-SOS Brigade**

**The SRC Brigade**

**Part 2**

_Ring, ring, ring!_

_Click._

"Hello?"

"It's been so long, Kyon!" Kyon's perfect smile lit up.

"Grandma! How have you been?" A horrified squeak came from the other end of the phone.

"I'm not your Grandma!" Kyon's scowl returned, yet somehow he STILL looked marvellous.

"What do you want, loser?" he asked sourly.

"I-I just wanted to know, i-if you aren't t-too busy… would you like to, some time, maybe, possibly, go out with m-"

"No way! I'm not gay!" Kyon said, panicking. He quickly put down the phone and exhaled deeply. Phew - he'd almost blown his "cool" mask.

**Kunikida's Story**

Kunikida sighed as he stared at the phone mournfully. When abouts was it that the love between them had died? They'd had chemistry - Kunikida was sure of it. So why in the world did Kyon not want to be around him anymore?

Well, it had been this way ever since he'd hit puberty; well, Kyon had, at least. Kunikida had waited four years before he came even remotely close to hitting puberty. But STILL!

**Taniguchi's Story**

Taniguchi lay down on his bed, staring at his Jonas Brothers poster wistfully. All his life he'd wanted to be cool like them. But instead he'd had boring friends, a failed life, and an ugly hair colour. The only thing kinda cool about him was his hair-horn. That was it. How boring.

Now, he'd been doubting Ryouko's suggestion for a while. I mean, in the short space of three hours he'd had a lot of pondering to do.

But now he was sure this was the right thing to do. A rival club? _No one _had ever done that before.

**Tsuruya's Story**

"Mikuruuuuu~" Tsuruya trilled, sliding up to where the red-headed beauty was sat. Mikuru jumped a mile in the air.

"I'm sorry, ever since the feud at lunch time our club leader has forbidden us to speak to you," she said, in the lovely, honest, perfect tone she always had to their voice.

"But Mikuru, I only came to tells you that we're rebelling againsts you," Tsuruya said sweetly, trying not to be heard. The whole room gasped upon hearing what she had to say.

"R-Rebelling against us?" Mikuru squeaked, trying not to faint. "US? The SOS-Brigade?"

"That's kindas the point, yeah," Tsuruya said, rolling her eyes. Honestly - the popular were so hard to understand.

**Ryouko's Story**

"Hello, underprivileged, ordinary students of Class 1-5," Ryouko called, forcing a smile as she entered the classroom. No one looked up. No one said hello. No one even snorted at her.

"Well, the classroom feels a bit empty today anyway," Ryouko told herself silently, sitting down. "I'm sure lots of my fan girls are at home, feigning illness."

Then she spied a girl she had held a few vague conversations with called Mirai and sat down next to her.

"Hey hey hey," she grinned. Mirai looked up and whispered, in her tiniest voice:

"I can't be seen talking to you." Ryouko's jaw hit the floor with the force of a heap of meat.

"What? Why ever not?" she cried, distraught.

"Because," the brunette whispered, "ever since lunch time the SOS Brigade have made sure that everyone blanks you guys. I'm technically betraying my own family just by talking to you."

"Oh, yeah. You're related with a member of the SOS Brigade," Ryouko remembered, having seen her shy friend with Yuki a number of times.

"So now you see why," Mirai said quietly, eying her friend over the top of her desk.

"Well, just warn Yuki that we're starting a rival club against the SOS Brigade, so they should be prepared."

Mirai, after blinking rapidly a few times, lowered her gaze and said softly, "I'll pass on the message."

"Okay, great." Then, taking pity on her friend, said, "Ah well. I guess it can't be helped. Thanks for the heads up. I'll leave you in peace now."

Hmm… this was weird. No one had even blinked when she'd said about the Rival Club. Well, they were ignoring her anyway. It was to be expected.

**Emiri's Story**

"So, Nakagawa, darling, they actually squeezed Snappy Croc Choco-Choco-Chip ice-cream on our heads," Emiri moaned through closed lips, as the half-esper smeared some kind of facial-mud onto her face. "I mean, how could anyone do that to someone as beautiful as I?"

"The SOS Brigade? Well, you should consider yourself lucky. I mean, most of the people in North High are ignored by the SOS Brigade. You guys ought to be famous."

"Okay, how do you know so much about North High? You don't even go there," Emiri pointed out, feeling all the dirt in her pores shrivel up and die. Nakagawa flicked a strand of hair back, bathing in Armstrong glitter.

"What can I say? I'm one of Kyon's childhood friends. I have all the info. Me and Kyon keep in touch regularly."

"That's funny. He never talks about you," Emiri said, trying to lower the guy's pride. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

"That's because not many people at North High would know who I was. But I've been on a date with Yuki Nagato."

"I'm guessing it didn't go down well," Emiri said, trying with all her might to bring him down. It wasn't working, clearly.

"Nah, I dumped her. She was a girl of few words. And I like ladies that'll talk to me." Emiri's jaw hit the floor.

"…You dumped Yuki Nagato?" she asked, after a long silence. He nodded, as if it were no biggie. And we all know, dumping someone as silently awesome as Yuki Nagato IS a biggie.

"She wasn't all that big in the breast department, and she didn't look like a good kisser either. Plus you could totally tell from the aura she had around her that she'd already lost her virginity. And I like my ladies sweet and innocent."

Emiri left moments later, face full of paste, with crazed eyes. She was definitely never going back to that awful place.

**LATER ON IN THE DAY**

Arakawa was sat at home on his well-deserved day off, and doing what most Espers-Pretending-To-Be-Butlers do on their days off: reading while balancing a mobile phone on his kneecap with the utmost delicacy. Suddenly…

_Ring, ring, ring!_

_Click._

"Hello?" mumbled Arakawa in his nasely voice.

"I know where you live, sir."

"Hrm? How do you know that?"

"I just _know_."

_Click._

"Now, don't panic, young sir…" whispered Arakawa to himself. "It was just a wrong number… nothing to worry about…" Nervous sweat broke out right underneath his itchy moustache.

_Ring, ring, ring!_

_Click._

"Excuse me sir?"

"What is it?"

"Is your refrigerator running?"

Arakawa slammed the phone down, heart racing. Someone was after him. He knew it. So he'd have to make a mad run for it.

"Quick, my darlings!" he called, opening the door to his cupboard-under-the-stairs. Once Harry Potter had ran out of his den screaming, "FREEDOM! SUCK IT, MALFOY!" he fixed his eyes on what he really cared about.

"Pika pi!" squealed the excited Pikachu. This roughly translates to "My god, it was stuffy in there. How sweet freedom tastes! That Harry Potter kid was annoying, he kept rambling on about some lover of his called Ron…"

"Ah, my Pikachu. My Clefairy! I love you two so much, but we have a stalker on our hands. If he finds out you've been engaged, he might try to market you in exchange for gumdrop machines and lots and lots of fizzy water! Oh, the horror of it all!"

"Pika pikaaa~?" Pikachu piped up, which roughly translates to, "Just what are you getting at, you wrinkly old fogey?"

"I'm sorry to say this, but… I must release you two into the wild on Route 142! I'm sorry. But… it's the only thing I can do. Now run away, young pokemon! Run away and live your forbidden romance in peace!"

The Pikachu and Clefairy scampered away, happy to be free. Now they could finally make out without him constantly trying to stick a pin in them for blood samples.

**EVEN LATER IN THE DAY**

"You don't hate me, right?"

"…"

"Oh, really? Thank you! That's so good to hear!"

"…"

"You're probably the best friend I've ever had," Ryouko said, staring up at the enormous oak tree in her back yard.

"…" She began to cackle.

"Oh, you crack me up. Cats don't have udders, you silly mongoose!" she giggled.

"…" She quieted down as someone walked past her with a freaked-out expression on their face.

"I should be the one who's freaked-out! You're trespassing in my own back yard!" Ryouko screeched, shaking her fist. Then she turned her attention back to the oak tree.

"They don't understand us, Leafy. But don't worry. One day, we'll stab them with our matching blades until they all bleed to death! Then we can roast their arms on spits and eat them for breakfast! I'll bury the rest of the bodies under you so that you can feast as well - through your ROOTS!"

**EVEN **_**LATER**_** IN THIS EPIC TALE**

Boom!

The SRC Brigade had been sat around their new clubroom table, eating cheese puffs smothered in chocolate. Asakura had even brewed a tea of interesting colour and flavour; it tasted of dirt, leaves and blood.

Before any of the members could comment on the delicacy or pass out, the window opposite them exploded into tiny shards. Asakura screamed and jumped in front of the window, laughing as the glass tore at her skin. Kunikida burst into tears and hid under the table, a tea tray over his head. Taniguchi wailed as his montage of Jonas Brothers posters, taking up the entire fourth wall, was ripped to shreds. Emiri let out a piercing cry as one of her nails broke.

And Tsuruya bit into her smoked cheese and just couldn't understand why the new company had decided to put crunchy pieces in. It just didn't do the cheese justice.

"MY BROTHERS! NOOO! Taniguchi bawled, clutching at the scraps of Kevin's head as they floated to the ground.

"Ha! And we thought you guys were a threat! You're just a group of mentally unstable nerds who have no purpose in life, except to make our life miserable!"

Kunikida peeked out from his hiding place. Stood before them were a group of four mind-blowingly stunning people; Kunikida couldn't help wondering why KyoAni spent so much time making the antagonists look dazzling, when they could have been developing his and Kyon's relationship, or at least giving him a line or two.

"Who are you?" he squeaked, mostly for the audiences benefit, because he knew exactly who they were, but wanted to actually do something for the plot.

"Ha! Ha! HAHAHA! You don't even know who we are! How retarded are you? We are the brilliant, the amazing, the rather hygienic, Anti-SOS Brigade! And you are our rivals!"

Tsuruya looked up from her cheese, face coated in gloopy mush.

"I thoughts we was rebellings against the SOS Brigade, nyoro!"

Kyouko laughed, her pigtails wiggling with every ear splitting giggle.

"Oh contraire! You're rebelling against us, the REAL rival club against the SOS Brigade! You completely ripped us off!"

Asakura grinned sheepishly.

"So that's why I thought it was such a good idea! Because it had already… been… done…"

The group had grown silent, noticing the Anti-SOS Brigade were uncomfortably close. Emiri could almost smell the two hundred dollar shrimp on the breaths of the antagonists. Suddenly, the cheesy, chocolaty wheat puffs on the table seemed more… _lame_… than awesome.

"You put us to shame! You're lame, your ugly and no wonder your only side characters! I mean, look at this place! It's- wait, what… what are you-?"

"Taste the fury of me and my Brothers!" Taniguchi battle cried, pushing down on the play button of the stereo. Suddenly, a loud blast boomed from the loudspeakers, and everyone covered their ears, screaming in agony. Even the SRC Brigade, who, by now, were used to the Jonas Noise Taniguchi insisted on playing at every meeting. But this was on a whole new level.

"Is… Is that… CAMP ROCK!" Kunikida sobbed, trying to keep his eardrums intact. Even Taniguchi's eyes were watering.

"Quick, you weirdo's, lets escape!" Emiri screamed, aiming the shards of her now deformed mirror at the rival club.

"But- Buts my cheese!"

And the last Tsuruya ever saw of her cheese, was the Anti-SOS Brigage charging towards them, stepping upon the smoked delight and falling head first out of the broken window, flailing, kicking and screaming as they went.

**So there you have it, guys. I'm not really sure if this should be the end or not. Please review and say if you want me to continue. I'll listen to you =)**

**Oh! My friend Mugichanx helped me out with the "EVEN LATER ON IN THIS EPIC TALE" bit. In fact, she wrote most of it ^_^ I'm really proud of her!**


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